So the whole suicide thing sort of didn't work out. I'm glad it didn't, or I never would have seen them again. its people like them that give me a reason to hold on for awhile.  One day the rain will stop. i know that because someone who knows told me that. Again, thank you, you know who you are. 

PS Angela is Awesome!

PPS I got a thing on myspace.com now ill use, just search under "mark kruse" or e-mail address "subsevenpaintball@yahoo.com"

I guess I lied about the whole last entry thing, I have one more thing to say before i go.  You fucked me over, you fucked me over so bad.  Theres a saying that i know, it goes; When injustice becomes law, resistance becomes duty. You and I both know what happened wasn't fair, yet you gave up on me, like everyone else did.  you knew i couldn't do this on my own, you knew it! yet you left me to fend for myself.  Amor Vincit Omnia! do you remember?! I guess not, but I do, and despite all this, all you've done to me, I will always love you, because i truely believe that love conquers all.  please don't hate me, you needed to know.  Now, I will finally say goodbye, this time this is my final entry.  So long everyone, and farewell. You will not be forgotten.

-Mark

Why is it that when you think things are getting better, and your making a good recovery, someone is alway there to drop you back on your head?  I have been given an ultimatum, my family or my heart.  Both choices entail great sacrifice, something I'm willing to give.  One, however, is greater than the other.  They say it's all my fault, they say "break the ties!" "Do it or you'll destroy a family!" How can you tell someone that, someone who has so few things left to hold on to, one of those a family.  When you take that away your signing away his life. My life.  I could understand if it was for the sake of safety or wellbeing, but its not. Its a selfish demand that carries with it a high price if not accepted.  I can either lose the trust and respect of my family, or I can lose hope and sanity.  I don't want to have to choose between the two.  I can have both though, this requires a far more dangerous journey though.  I will have to live a lie to my family, the illusion of conformity will bring them peace.  No more fighting, no more threats of divorce, no more chest pains.  No more tears.  I don't want to spend another night awake contemplating the worst.  I want help, but I can't do it myself. I need those few people i talked about last  time to help me through.  Why does my family guilt me into cheating myself out of getting help? They do it for image. They don't want to appear as the "bad parents" whos kids are on medication and dress a little differently.  They dont want that because they grew up with crappy parents.  For christs sake I'm on lock down! I can't go out, I cant play video games, i can't talk to my friends online on the phone, even at school im forbidden contact with certain individuals.  I can't listen to any music not approved by my mom, I can't wear any black, I can't wear my converse, I cant even go to sleep before 7:00 if I wanted to.  My life is school work.  Jesus christ, I don't want to live like this.  I want out, but If I do anything I will never be forgiven.  Any action I take will be deemed selfish and result in chaos erupting in my household.  They say it's all bullshit, they tell me depression doesn't exist. "I'm just being a teenager."  I find that painful to listen to considering it came from someone who spent two weeks in inpatient therapy for the very same thing.  For all of you who think it's all a big joke, then I want to share with you something.  It's my prayer....

My Prayer

Dear God,  I want to fall asleep tonight.  I want to drift to sleep free of all the heartbreak and dissapointment.  I want to fall asleep tonight and not wake up in the morning.  I don't want to be around when the sun shines through my blinds and casts that soft orange glow across my room.  I don't want to wake up to that same room where I spent countless nights shedding my own blood.  I don't want to be there when my parents come to wake me up.  They'll come into my room and say "wake up Marky, it's time to get up." I won't respond.  "Marky, wake up."  They'll give me a little shake.  "Marky, wake up!" their voice will start to sound panicked.  They'll try with all their hearts to wake me up, but I never will. I won't be there anymore, because I'll be in a place free from all the heartache, somewhere where I can finally smile. Smile, and be myself.  I'll be in my heaven, and there i'll wait till the time comes where I'll never be alone again, and nobody will be there to take it away.  It's there where I'll be ok.

amen

When angels fall from heaven, they become devils. Don't you agree, Spike?....

Well it's been a few days, but I really didn't get the chance cuz I had a friend stay a couple days over here.  I thuoght it would be cool to have someone around to talk to and such considering my current situation, but it wasn't.  I began to miss my solitude, and felt much better when I was by myself.  Theres really only a couple people out there I feel completely comfortable around.  You know who you are.  I feel like saying thank you to one of those people right now, and if by chance you're reading this then you'll know its you.  Thank you for taking my knife that one day.  Even if I got pissed cuz you threatened to jack me in the face, thanks.  I sincerely feel terrible for anybody who reads these entries.  You all must think I'm one of those "I hate the world and everybody in it" emo kids.  In many many aspects I am.  However, thats not what I'm going for.  I'm not always like this, there are things that make me happy.  These things, however few, fill me with an un comprehensible joy.  One of them Stina.  She can never understand what I feel for her.  Because of her I still try in school, because of her I haven't been suspended from school again, she keeps me in check, and she loves me for who I am.  I'm not afraid to tell her how I feel no matter how stupid it may seem, because she knows it's important to me. And she's honest, not only to me, but for me.  She calls things the way they look in her eyes, and she always calls me on my bullshit.  She knows what I'm talkin' about.  Now that my exposure to her is drasticly limited, I have grown to appreciate all those things much, much more.  So Stina, If your reading this, Thank you for all you've done.  Because you've done more than i could have ever asked.  And never forget, no matter how bad things may seem, that I love you, and I will always be here.  Don't ever worry, because I'm not going anywhere.